Lonely Mac Geek - The life of a professionally satisfied yet personally unsatisfied person.

Oh Well

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 00:28:39 -0700

That one lasted for three months. She lost romantic feelings for me. Oh well.

It was fun while it lasted.

Thing is, I was the one who technically broke up with her. My bad. Lesson learned: never break up with someone you still love. Perhaps never intentionally break up period. You’re just going to regret it the next day and she wont take you back then.

Not Lonely Anymore

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 21:29:24 -0800

I found someone who accepts me for who I am and who I’ve been able to have the opportunity of forming a relationship with for over a month now. Sure, we have our own difficulties, but all the good times we have together more than make up for them.

I guess I’m not such a lonely mac geek anymore, heh.

Ignored

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 00:27:28 -0800

Well, it’s been about a month since I talked with her, and on Monday she retroactively declined my friend request in Yahoo! Messenger, which I guess I’ll take as a hostile action. I should also take the prolonged ignorance of her not contacting me while I am so easily reached as a form of hostility, though I keep rationalizing it off, as if she’s going to all of a sudden call me up one day and things would be fine.

In one of my classes we are asked to evaluate our communication skills in areas that need improvement. While my ability to communicate verbally and in written word is adequate to say the least, my ability to understand verbal, written, and more particularly gestural communication is limited.

Hence, I am unable to catch the nuances in the behavioral patterns of others to detect their level of interest (or lack thereof) in me. This compounded with my general awkwardness and excessive formality is what I believe is scaring each girl I meet away from me. I ignore when I should comfort, I overexert when I should back off.

My record for holding the attention of another is still only at eight days, it seems, then.

Furthermore, I seem to lack the ability to find closure in my past relationships. It seems in each case the other has formed hostile conditions that deny me any ability at the chance of closure, though I wonder if that is a good thing, er, that I might merely hurt the other or they hurt me in attempting and failing at an attempt at closure with them.

And finally, I worry more and more that I am continuously being reminded of them. I seem to be constantly reminded of these people, of our times together, of my feelings at the time, and at what they did to me. This compounds with the constant bombardment of what I call artifacts: Their online writings bombard my social network as they continue to write about their daily business, I unintentionally pass by their vehicles in the parking lot on a daily basis, and in some cases even notice them on my school campus.

(Foreward: I wrote this next paragraph during a period of severe depression. It does not reflect the way I actually felt nor feel about relationships.)

Ultimately this is forming a miserable experience. My only hope is that if I continue to attempt to meet and form new relationships with new people that my nightmares will not catch up to me. Because each time I find myself isolated and alone, they are worse than the time prior, as each time they compound with more and more failed relationships.

How I almost got married

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 01:17:49 -0800

Eight days, and that was it. She lost her cell phone, and can’t get online, so all of a sudden I have no way of reaching her. So much for the connectivity of the internet.

Then the girl I first ever dated came back after a year. Asked me to marry her. It would be a fake marriage for legal purposes; we would be just platonic friends behind closed doors. At first I accepted the notion under the premise that I don’t really consider true relationship commitment to have anything to do with the state, than later repelled such notion in favor of a scenario where we would attempt to build a real relationship within such a marriage. Problem was, I had some feelings for her, but not enough to form a committed relationship as severe as that, and she didn’t even have any feelings for me, anyways. Suffice to say the personal risks, the obvious social upsetting, and the lack of emotional and physical intimacy wound up to something far to complex to functionally work out. I simply can not risk getting into a situation where I am emotionally neglected yet must still retain a commitment.

She was the one that backed down, after she saw my needs and feelings. Surprisingly, I did not feel distressed at all; I felt relieved. I suppose I’ll always wonder what decision I would have made if she did not back down in the request. Even though I consider myself a good guy, I doubt I would have gone through with it. Though it scares me to no end that I did consider it.

I hope she’s able to get back online and talk to me; I’d really like to see her again. She was nice. Hell, she didn’t even want to calling us hanging out a date. I’m starting to think that’s a good thing now.

New Record

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 22:18:36 -0800

It seems I have achieved a new record in my dating experiences. Today marks the day I have been going out with the current girl I’m seeing for eight days, longer than the seven or so from my previous major relationship, which ended in a longer yet limited pseudo-friendship, ending in her breaking off all contact with cause to my misfit.

Furthermore, I seem to be discovering more about which kind of girls I am attracted to, and perhaps the beginning of the slivers of understanding as to why. Physical features, but more importantly, personality characteristics are forming in my mind, becoming more clear in what I like and don’t like in a girl.

We haven’t gone out on an official date yet. Our first encounter together was going shopping and then her crashing at my place in a vain attempt to sleep, wherein we just cuddled and made out with each other. The second time involved her just coming over for more making out, until we were interrupted by the fact that we would both be late for our respective jobs that day, hers more so than I. I hope after I return from my holiday family vacation I’ll be able to finally do dinner and a movie with her, though I’m starting to wonder just how effective that is these days, particularly with a girl who’ll already wrap her arms around, cuddle and make out with me like there’s no tomorrow.

Hung Up

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 00:58:21 -0800

Okay, this is getting really weird.

Three times now have I met a girl who’s hung up on their last date/boyfriend/whatever and thus isn’t interested in dating or a relationship with me. While I understand the feeling, I can’t help but think that they’ll never get over it unless they put at least some effort into putting in the motions towards moving on.

At least I know it helps me out when I’m feeling unrequited feelings toward someone to try move on by dating someone else even if I might not feel like it at first. The first date you might still feel awkward, still being pulled away by that old special someone, but over time you get to enjoying the new experiences.

One thing I learned is also that moving on doesn’t mean you have to forget those behind you. Each person you’ve been with in the past stays with you forever, a part of you defined through another, in a sense. So even though I can never replace someone’s ex-boyfriend in the exact same way, I can offer new experiences and feelings never felt before.

While I know it’s unfair and illogical for me to think this, the rejection by another claiming they’re still hung up on their ex comes across as a personal attack along the lines of “You’re not worth the risk. You’ll end up breaking my heart the same way he did. You’ll never be as good as he was.” They say they don’t want to risk hurting me, but by denying me a chance in the first place I feel like they’re hurting me all the same.

What’s really weird is that the whole time they’re saying they don’t want a relationship, they lead me on, over and over again. They treat me as if I already was their boyfriend, just to pull away again. It’s like one part of them wants to be with me, the other wants no part of me.

Initially, I was feeling like the traditional stereotypical “men don’t commit” archetype is merely in a reverse position of “women don’t commit” these days, where they want all the benefits of having a committed me without me getting a committed them, but I’m realizing now that there’s something deeper here. Something about insecurities and hopelessness. Something about fears and anxieties. Something about not moving forward, not taking chances.

Every day, I try my best to not be like that, and all I ask of others is that they do so as well.

Either that or it’s all some great conspiracy/excuse to hide the fact that they’re not attracted to me in the least bit. Their leading me on is merely their vice to torment me thus.

Okay, what the heck?

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 19:54:26 -0800

Today yet another gay guy hits on me and asks me out, trying to convince me I’m not just straight. Yes, I know I’m a gay man’s wet dream, but am I really that attractive?

Women who don’t want to commit to a relationship with me. Gay men who want me so badly they’re constantly hitting on me. What kind of perverted world am I living in here? At least I know now in part how my bisexual female friends feel, at least to a degree.

I’m no homophobe, in fact a good percentage of my male friends are gay. I’m just simply interested in women, though, and ultimately not for mere carnal things but for a serious, committed relationship that myself and another can grow in.

Although, I must admit, it does feel good to get at least some attention.

A little background

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 23:08:20 -0800

I had my first date about a year ago with a foreign armenian girl. After about four or five dates, I found us at a theme park and I went to hold her hand. She said that we were just friends, good friends. We stopped communication after the new year.

My second date was with a girl I met around the same time, around Valentine’s day of this year. Still friends to this date (he turned out to be extremely similar to me and we working together on some projects) , we dispute as to whether she said she had an actual boyfriend at the time or not. Particularly, mentioned she had a boyfriend near the end of the date.

Over the summer, I engaged in an online flirtation with a girl I truly cared for. Suffice to say she did not reciprocate. I then got into what I consider my first true dating experience with a girl from on of my fall classes. After an awesome week, probably the best in my life, she dumped me using the “I’m not ready to move on” excuse. She then proceeded to push me completely out of her life.

From there I’ve had a handful of other relationships, usually ending in the same “not ready to move on” thing or just a failure to maintain communication on their part. Now I’m a tad in stasis as I now begin to write out these things that are so important to me, to try to make sense of it all, and to prepare for the future.

And so it begins

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 21:05:58 -0800

Enter Lonely Mac Geek. Age 18. Male. College student and employee of a major computer and portable media gagetry maker. Professionally satisfied yet personally yearning for more.

From this website I will tell my story from the inside out. It will chronolog my professional but more importantly personal adventures, and the sucsessse and failures therein.

It’s going to be a bumpy ride, so put on your seatbealts, folks, and let’s go!