me @ 2006, January 11 - 1:17am
Eight days, and that was it. She lost her cell phone, and can’t get online, so all of a sudden I have no way of reaching her. So much for the connectivity of the internet.
Then the girl I first ever dated came back after a year. Asked me to marry her. It would be a fake marriage for legal purposes; we would be just platonic friends behind closed doors. At first I accepted the notion under the premise that I don’t really consider true relationship commitment to have anything to do with the state, than later repelled such notion in favor of a scenario where we would attempt to build a real relationship within such a marriage. Problem was, I had some feelings for her, but not enough to form a committed relationship as severe as that, and she didn’t even have any feelings for me, anyways. Suffice to say the personal risks, the obvious social upsetting, and the lack of emotional and physical intimacy wound up to something far to complex to functionally work out. I simply can not risk getting into a situation where I am emotionally neglected yet must still retain a commitment.
She was the one that backed down, after she saw my needs and feelings. Surprisingly, I did not feel distressed at all; I felt relieved. I suppose I’ll always wonder what decision I would have made if she did not back down in the request. Even though I consider myself a good guy, I doubt I would have gone through with it. Though it scares me to no end that I did consider it.
I hope she’s able to get back online and talk to me; I’d really like to see her again. She was nice. Hell, she didn’t even want to calling us hanging out a date. I’m starting to think that’s a good thing now.